Thursday, 31 December, 2009

Defying Gravity.... 2009 -> 2010

Am back to blog about the year past and the year forward. Been thinking about and around this post a bit.

In a blog, you tend to be careful with your words, sound appropriately humble and optimistic. As of now, this is an audience-free blog. I guess, I might as well go ahead and jot down the twirly things in my head as they twirl! Optimism be damned!

So, the typical way to approach the year end blogs, I suppose, is to write up the good things, the bad and hopes for the future. True to form, it is taking a lot of effort to think of the good things. And I realize that what I recall as good has a tint of sad to it. On the same lines - perhaps whats not so great also has a tint of good ( not that I can spot it in the long shadows cast ).

Recession loomed large early in the year and I desperately wanted out of the then current team. Some tears, prayers and effort later I moved to oss. It was a good thing. Began with a blockbuster policy launch - a job well done but not as completely as I would like. This was almost mid year when it happened. Interesting insights into gravity again - ability to scale not being a strong point.

Niece 2 was born. Saw her actually drop into the world. A speechless and numbing experience. I still don't know what to make of what I felt. Then I saw her gender and remember the nervousness I felt about what the in-laws would say and so on. So birth tinged with social anxieties. Then came the care-giving. Daily supply of food to the sister - in the face of the mom-freeze. Then the eruption of jealousy from mom - when she saw that her stint in hospital for niece 1 was laced with familial neglect.

Bitter taste in the mouth - the whole episode. Saw sis grit her teeth and complete her due stay and run as soon as possible. Bitter bitter bitter.

Work wise, then started the lull - the inability to take off, think big, start projects. Gravity. Saw what team I was a part of - and that set me deeper in stone - immobile.

Personal front has also been a lull - status quo. Disenchantment with the Mother - constant reminders of the gifts from the womb. The glorification of mediocrity. Gravity.

Disenchantment with VJ - a long standing friendship that just lost some sheen over the year.

And so much illness around. Aged by a year. Mortal and vulnerable.

Nothing specific to write home about except for a plus year. Many resolutions made and promptly forgotten.

Infuriating lethargy - mental and physical. The gravity of justification. Cocooned in comfort zones. Explaining away to self. Dull aches, pain in the head. Gathering moss.

The recent part of the year has been bad. Work has been hell - what with being exposed to manic bouts of managers, weirdness of colleagues - first time in all work life.

So much of illness and death around.

A deep sense of loneliness, a desire for a deep bond of friendship has been gnawing away at me.

The one thing that keeps cropping up is - GRAVITY.

I remember a friend from another lifetime saying that a person should have "the wings of an eagle and the roots of a tree" or some such. That phrase creates a mental image of status quo and tearing insides.

My prayer and wish for myself is - to un-root myself and defy gravity.


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