I never really had a relationship ( the part-grown-up to a grown-up kind) with my dad. By the time I was in my teens, late teens actually, he was quite ill. His illness pre-occupied all of us as a family. And eventually, he died. When I was about 20.
I rarely talk about him. When he was OK - I was a teen. A difficult one at that - at least by normal middle class standards. I look back and feel, I was ok. I studied hard, conformed and didnt get into any major sort of trouble.
Yeah - to get back. The oldest I was - when he was ok - was a teen. And I remember fighting and hating. I remember being strongly disapproved of, being told about how to be, behave and who to hang out with and so on.
Over the past 8 years, I have learnt to relate to my mother and have a better relationship / equation with her. It is a great gift. I still recall thinking how much I hate my mum and how much I wanted to get away from her. And those thoughts were painful to have. So what I share with my mum today is really a gift I value.
When she or I move on, the regrets perhaps will be lesser and memories of times shared together higher. Certainly when compared to what I recall of my dad.
My memories are so fragmented of him. I remember the difficulties and inconveniences of his illness clearly - in terms of feelings and thoughts. Every now and then I remember incidents - but over time, specifics are fading away a little by little.
Regrets and memories. Regrets - I am sure I have. I still havent figured it out.
Memories - yeah. I have memories of him, or rather remember him in the most unexpected ways.
Chinu's innocent, trusting eyes. One of her eyes seem smaller and she tends to lightly wink it every now and then. They are almost like a doe's or a calf's eyes. Her eyes remind me of my dad. Everytime I look into them.
Indira Gandhi - He had strong opinions about her administration. I don't recall the details. But seeing a picture of her or reading an article about her certainly reminds me of my dad and face when he would talk of her or her governement.
Bharat Sinha of a serial Subah - when I see this actor in any other film, I am reminded of my dad. He disapproved of my interest in that serial - all the drug abuse by young folks! :)
And the latest today - The Man Machine. This is an album by kraftwerks. It was a tape with a bright red jacket cover - a photo of 4 robotic looking men.
We had this small tape recorder/player. There were these few tapes at home. Silsila, Star, Zoom, Satya Shivam Sundaram, Boney M and the Man Machine. I remember these were my dad's tapes.
We had other tapes too - devotional, other movie tapes.
But I kinda remember these tapes as my dad's. Like the James Hadley Chase and Perry Mason novels he used to read. He also read Arthur Hailey, Robert Ludlum I recall.
I just heard "model", "robots", "neon lights" on YouTube. And my dad came rushing into my head.
I used to love the tape and listen to it all the time.
Like I was saying, I get this sharp and vivid memories of him in most unexpected ways. I can recall almost everything of that memory - when its triggerred.
Wednesday, 21 January 2009
Wednesday, 31 December 2008
Last Day Of The Year....
The papers and magazines I have been reading are capturing the moments with phrases like "New Year Blues", "Worst Year of Indian History?", "Thank God, Its Over" and so on....
I too spent some time looking back and came away less than encouraged. Mainly because I have a tendency to look down at things... specially when they concern me. So I decided that I will make a focused effort and talk about the good things first (no particular order),
1. I have blogged more regularly than I expected myself to.
2. Typical special days of the year have been well spent and properly celebrated.
3. Had a big work stint & holiday break in the US. Y was with me. Vegas, SFO. New York... fun oh fun!
4. Money scene improved. I actually have some savings and have been cautious about mindless expenditure. I feel in control.. which is a nice feeling.
5. Duties to mum, s, s, and n have been fairly nicely executed.
6. Work - did it well. Very well actually. good rating, decent hike - given the circumstances.
7. Home - nice and peaceful.
8. Y - good and nice. Next big step taken. It was easy. :) The build up is always the torture.
9. Obama, the elections were interesting. Got me interested in UN, UNHCR and a lot of interesting journalistic writings along the way.
10. Movies - Dark Knight, Ghajini, Oye Luck Oye, The Good Shephard, OSO, etc etc. Quite a few treats. Picked up most of the Merchant Ivory DVDs at a discount in the local store. Very nice. :)
11. Reading a lot more this year than the last. In the past 2 months alone - must have read 8 books. Nice. :)
12. Wining and Dining has been great as ever. :)
Hmm.. now the bad...
1. My fitness schedule. Has gone down the dumps. :( I can write a million worded blog post on this.
2. Stocks - thanks to the recession, I too have taken a HUGE beating on this. :(
3. Work - transition needs and anxiety. Tough times leave few options. worrying about what to do. What steps to take.
4. Me Time - has been a bit of a yo yo. I have rejuvenated whenever I got it. But not enough I think.
5. Restless. What Next? Bogged Down - feel less free, more constrained. Have tasted fearlessness fleetingly... its very liberating. Roadmap concerns - is all I can say on a open Blog.
6. Mumbai attacks. Affected me more deeply than I thought was possible.
See? When you put it down - seems like the good was more than bad. Work wise - it was not perfect - but hey thats life. Recession blues- its the pain with everyone - so I am in the bandwagon too. Guess cant complain much.
Fitness.. yeah - that bothers me like hell. It brings to fore - all the things that stop me from going forward. The reticence hidden behind laziness, bad self talk that slows me to inaction, not enough me time and so on.
As of now - today and yesterday - the interesting thing is how un-excited I am feeling about the occasion. How normal I am trying to keep the day. Eating regularly and catching sleep on time. And generally keeping it very low key.
Quite a contrast to the past years...when new year's eve meant *having* some plans..heading out.... *doing something*... :)
That perhaps I am aging did come to mind. :) But then again... I am bored - of anything that thsi city may have to offer - by means of new year celebration. Anything.
Maybe - quietly recharging my batteries for what promises to be the next 3 months of absolutely hectic work schedule is not a bad idea at all.
My New Year Wish? I have a set of goals. The same as last year. If I can maintain my equanimity, and one day at a time - work away @ the goals, I will achieve what I want. Just need to deal with or prevent the outside from messing up with my inside.
Happy New Year! :)
I too spent some time looking back and came away less than encouraged. Mainly because I have a tendency to look down at things... specially when they concern me. So I decided that I will make a focused effort and talk about the good things first (no particular order),
1. I have blogged more regularly than I expected myself to.
2. Typical special days of the year have been well spent and properly celebrated.
3. Had a big work stint & holiday break in the US. Y was with me. Vegas, SFO. New York... fun oh fun!
4. Money scene improved. I actually have some savings and have been cautious about mindless expenditure. I feel in control.. which is a nice feeling.
5. Duties to mum, s, s, and n have been fairly nicely executed.
6. Work - did it well. Very well actually. good rating, decent hike - given the circumstances.
7. Home - nice and peaceful.
8. Y - good and nice. Next big step taken. It was easy. :) The build up is always the torture.
9. Obama, the elections were interesting. Got me interested in UN, UNHCR and a lot of interesting journalistic writings along the way.
10. Movies - Dark Knight, Ghajini, Oye Luck Oye, The Good Shephard, OSO, etc etc. Quite a few treats. Picked up most of the Merchant Ivory DVDs at a discount in the local store. Very nice. :)
11. Reading a lot more this year than the last. In the past 2 months alone - must have read 8 books. Nice. :)
12. Wining and Dining has been great as ever. :)
Hmm.. now the bad...
1. My fitness schedule. Has gone down the dumps. :( I can write a million worded blog post on this.
2. Stocks - thanks to the recession, I too have taken a HUGE beating on this. :(
3. Work - transition needs and anxiety. Tough times leave few options. worrying about what to do. What steps to take.
4. Me Time - has been a bit of a yo yo. I have rejuvenated whenever I got it. But not enough I think.
5. Restless. What Next? Bogged Down - feel less free, more constrained. Have tasted fearlessness fleetingly... its very liberating. Roadmap concerns - is all I can say on a open Blog.
6. Mumbai attacks. Affected me more deeply than I thought was possible.
See? When you put it down - seems like the good was more than bad. Work wise - it was not perfect - but hey thats life. Recession blues- its the pain with everyone - so I am in the bandwagon too. Guess cant complain much.
Fitness.. yeah - that bothers me like hell. It brings to fore - all the things that stop me from going forward. The reticence hidden behind laziness, bad self talk that slows me to inaction, not enough me time and so on.
As of now - today and yesterday - the interesting thing is how un-excited I am feeling about the occasion. How normal I am trying to keep the day. Eating regularly and catching sleep on time. And generally keeping it very low key.
Quite a contrast to the past years...when new year's eve meant *having* some plans..heading out.... *doing something*... :)
That perhaps I am aging did come to mind. :) But then again... I am bored - of anything that thsi city may have to offer - by means of new year celebration. Anything.
Maybe - quietly recharging my batteries for what promises to be the next 3 months of absolutely hectic work schedule is not a bad idea at all.
My New Year Wish? I have a set of goals. The same as last year. If I can maintain my equanimity, and one day at a time - work away @ the goals, I will achieve what I want. Just need to deal with or prevent the outside from messing up with my inside.
Happy New Year! :)
Friday, 28 November 2008
Mumbai Meri Jaan.
My eyes fill up with tears when I see the picture of this little child in a policeman's arms - drinking water - clothes soaked in blood. Hers ? Her kins? Where are they? From the time I have seen this picture in the morning, I cant just stop the tears flowing from my eyes.
PICTURE 16 in this slideshow -
http://www.washingtonpost.com/wp-dyn/content/gallery/2008/11/26/GA2008112603190.html?sid=ST2008112701218
With her nose, mouth being covered by the plastic cup - she becomes anybody's child, everybody's child. What did she do - to be subjected to this terror?? What kind of a world are we giving our children? Oh god! Help us. :(
I am so angry, so helpless, so shocked and hurt and heartbroken at the tragedy caused by this senseless act of terror! I havent been able to think of anything else much today.
Oh yes, we are resilient, Mumbai will dust off the shards of broken glass and move on to another day of work. The rest of us in elsewhere in India will also.
But, when will we all get together and work together and STOP this? When will our leaders unite and take strong and firm steps to prevent such acts in the future?
When will we say that this is UNACCEPTABLE! When will we all look in the face of Terror and say that you are not welcome here!
Like Mr Bachchan says, tell me what I need to do - what can I do to help? To help and make a difference. To bring about peace and safety to our nation. To make the cities safer for our children to grow up in.
They should be able to walk the streets like I did when I was a child - carefree. Skipping along with friends - gorging on ice candies... not thinking twice before going into a crowded fair, cinema or exhibition.
My salutes to the brave men of the army, navy and police working to resolve tihs situation. My condolences adn respect to the brave men who laid down their lives fighting last night.
God bless.
PICTURE 16 in this slideshow -
http://www.washingtonpost.com/wp-dyn/content/gallery/2008/11/26/GA2008112603190.html?sid=ST2008112701218
With her nose, mouth being covered by the plastic cup - she becomes anybody's child, everybody's child. What did she do - to be subjected to this terror?? What kind of a world are we giving our children? Oh god! Help us. :(
I am so angry, so helpless, so shocked and hurt and heartbroken at the tragedy caused by this senseless act of terror! I havent been able to think of anything else much today.
Oh yes, we are resilient, Mumbai will dust off the shards of broken glass and move on to another day of work. The rest of us in elsewhere in India will also.
But, when will we all get together and work together and STOP this? When will our leaders unite and take strong and firm steps to prevent such acts in the future?
When will we say that this is UNACCEPTABLE! When will we all look in the face of Terror and say that you are not welcome here!
Like Mr Bachchan says, tell me what I need to do - what can I do to help? To help and make a difference. To bring about peace and safety to our nation. To make the cities safer for our children to grow up in.
They should be able to walk the streets like I did when I was a child - carefree. Skipping along with friends - gorging on ice candies... not thinking twice before going into a crowded fair, cinema or exhibition.
My salutes to the brave men of the army, navy and police working to resolve tihs situation. My condolences adn respect to the brave men who laid down their lives fighting last night.
God bless.
Saturday, 15 November 2008
India on the moon!
Yay!
http://economictimes.indiatimes.com/Lunar_landing_has_Indians_over_the_moon/articleshow/3716744.cms
Way to go, my country! Congrats to team that made us all proud!
http://economictimes.indiatimes.com/Lunar_landing_has_Indians_over_the_moon/articleshow/3716744.cms
Way to go, my country! Congrats to team that made us all proud!
Wednesday, 5 November 2008
Congratulations USA!
Congratulations on the presidential elections!
Way to go! Y'all made history today.
Yes You Can!
Way to go! Y'all made history today.
Yes You Can!
Tuesday, 21 October 2008
Music of Yuvvraaj...
Upcoming film by Subhash Ghai
Music by A R Rahman
Lyrics by Gulzar...
Wow - thats a deadly combination! I cant wait -to see it will be as fab as Taal was.
Anyway - my two minute review on the songs/album - not listed any particular order. Just how I remember them.
1. Main Hoon Yuvvraaj: No song this. Just the voice of Salman Khan - calling himself Baaaaaaaaad! I love it. Score: 4/5. ( No 5 out of 5 because I wish Sallu spoke some more! :) )
2. Tu Muskura: Alka Yagnik's voice is too too shrill for my taste. :( I skipped after listening to 4 lines. May be the song itself is nice. Dunno. Score: 0/5
3. Tu Meri Dost Hai: I like it. Normal song. Reminds me of "Valparisio" - Mercury Falling ( Sting ) in the start of the song. Nice. Score: 3.5/5.
4. Shano Shano: Fantastic. Starts off in way that reminds you of Rang De Basanti - but moves on to its own dhun. Some lines are sung a la - Axl Rose... I love it. Score: 5 /5
5. Shano Remix: Is also great. Hip Hop. I love it too. Score: 4.5/5
6. Mastam Mastam: Sonu Nigam's voice is distinct and nice. The tune is very nice. We could have done without Alka's shrill voice inbetween. But well. Score: 3 / 5
7. Dil Ka Rishta: Again a nice nice song. Score: 4 / 5
8. Manmohini Morey: Classical. Seems like a great fav on the net. I dont like the distinct tamilian accent coming up every now and then. Otherwise nice. Score: 3.5/5
9. Zindagi: Again distinct celtic/irish tunes mixed with classical A R Rahman ( that reminded me of his early Roja days... ) Score: 3/5
A R Rahman's songs are fantastic. They sound so complete and full to the ear. Well recorded - almost like every sound was intended down to the last detail. That itself is a pleasure - the quality of recording.
That apart - the fact that his music grows on you... is such a treat! You can listen for a long time and love it. :)
As for Gulzaar saab's words... I haven't listened often enough to go beyond the music.
That's another treat I am looking forward to. Oh, to be surprised by the great poet with lines like "Kajra re, tere kaare kaare naina" or "Beedi Jalaile" or my favorite "naina thag lenge".. just to name a few songs from the recent past...
I am happy! :)
Music by A R Rahman
Lyrics by Gulzar...
Wow - thats a deadly combination! I cant wait -to see it will be as fab as Taal was.
Anyway - my two minute review on the songs/album - not listed any particular order. Just how I remember them.
1. Main Hoon Yuvvraaj: No song this. Just the voice of Salman Khan - calling himself Baaaaaaaaad! I love it. Score: 4/5. ( No 5 out of 5 because I wish Sallu spoke some more! :) )
2. Tu Muskura: Alka Yagnik's voice is too too shrill for my taste. :( I skipped after listening to 4 lines. May be the song itself is nice. Dunno. Score: 0/5
3. Tu Meri Dost Hai: I like it. Normal song. Reminds me of "Valparisio" - Mercury Falling ( Sting ) in the start of the song. Nice. Score: 3.5/5.
4. Shano Shano: Fantastic. Starts off in way that reminds you of Rang De Basanti - but moves on to its own dhun. Some lines are sung a la - Axl Rose... I love it. Score: 5 /5
5. Shano Remix: Is also great. Hip Hop. I love it too. Score: 4.5/5
6. Mastam Mastam: Sonu Nigam's voice is distinct and nice. The tune is very nice. We could have done without Alka's shrill voice inbetween. But well. Score: 3 / 5
7. Dil Ka Rishta: Again a nice nice song. Score: 4 / 5
8. Manmohini Morey: Classical. Seems like a great fav on the net. I dont like the distinct tamilian accent coming up every now and then. Otherwise nice. Score: 3.5/5
9. Zindagi: Again distinct celtic/irish tunes mixed with classical A R Rahman ( that reminded me of his early Roja days... ) Score: 3/5
A R Rahman's songs are fantastic. They sound so complete and full to the ear. Well recorded - almost like every sound was intended down to the last detail. That itself is a pleasure - the quality of recording.
That apart - the fact that his music grows on you... is such a treat! You can listen for a long time and love it. :)
As for Gulzaar saab's words... I haven't listened often enough to go beyond the music.
That's another treat I am looking forward to. Oh, to be surprised by the great poet with lines like "Kajra re, tere kaare kaare naina" or "Beedi Jalaile" or my favorite "naina thag lenge".. just to name a few songs from the recent past...
I am happy! :)
Long time no see...
Its been a long long month already. Missed celebrating Dassara, same case with Deepavali I am guessing. Mum's not keeping very well ( small hairline fracture - nothing serious ). Y has been busy too - we are not catching up much. Both of us are so caught up in our work. :(
Its been busy busy... and tiring. Mentally mostly - tense and pre-occupied.
Otherwise, I have been reading Mr Bachchan's blog regularly - and its such a delight to read. Following the US presidential race closely too. Its interesting.
Its been busy busy... and tiring. Mentally mostly - tense and pre-occupied.
Otherwise, I have been reading Mr Bachchan's blog regularly - and its such a delight to read. Following the US presidential race closely too. Its interesting.
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